Hear Me. Heal Me. Be Near Me.

It's been a long time since I've posted any sort of an update, so prepare for a bit of a long one!

This is by far the hardest place I have ever been in my life. I have some intense decisions to make in the near future.

We have been trying to get pregnant now for quite some time, with no success. During this time, I feel my MS has been progressing. I have been having a LOT of migraines and leg pain. I am not sure how much longer I want to let my body go on like this.

Rob and I have been praying a lot and discussing when we should stop trying for a baby, and start medication. I know that I would feel better on medication, but all I have ever wanted was a big family. In the future, I would be able to try for a baby again, but that's a pretty far place from here. If I am on medication, I would need to stop for 3 months before we even consider trying, to make sure that it's all out of my system and will not cause birth defects. There's also evidence that if I were to get pregnant now, I may have a very intense MS relapse after the baby is born, making me even more sick than I am now. If that were to happen, Rob would have 2 young children and a sick wife to take care of. I just don't know if that's fair. On the other hand, pregnancy is the best thing for women with MS -- it slows down your symptoms almost completely during pregnancy. I need to weigh my options. I need answers.

It's not fair. It just isn't fair to even have to THINK about deciding to not have any more children. I'm only 24. My heart hurts.

What an incredible journey. I have tried so hard to take everything I've been given this last year with a grain of salt, but this one -- this decision -- is the hardest I have ever had to make. I know it doesn't mean that growing my family has to be over. Or maybe that's exactly what it means. I don't know. Either way, it's very very hard.

It's so hard to trust in God, but I have to. I have to. I have to trust that He knows better than me.

On my knees here I fall

In spite of it all

Hallelujah

And though it seems hard

I'm still trusting you, Lord

Hallelujah

I have fallen so far

Flat on my face

I'm in need of Your grace today